Dear Nani,

October 30, 2017.

Today I realized that days quickly turned into weeks and those weeks have now turned into a whole month.  A whole month without you.

It's such a strange feeling that is hard to put into words. You gave us so much when you were here that even though these last few years have been hard for you - your presence was still so strong in our every day lives. In a way, your presence is still strong even though you are no longer physically here. I think of you daily and always smile at the sweet reminders of you.

We have spent a lot of time telling stories about all the fun things we remember. This is especially important to Layla who every day reminds me that nothing is the same without GG. I remember the first time she said those words I just had to pause, because she was right. Nothing is the same.

Life goes on and we are going through the motions of everyday. Laughing, crying, working
and playing. All of the things we did before are happening now but it's just not the same. Layla and I find a lot of peace in sitting out the couch at night, eating cashews and telling stories about you.

She is getting to hear a lot of my favorites about sharing a room, reading books together and even that you let me watch Young and the Restless and Bold and the Beautiful with you. She doesn't get what those shows are but enjoys that it's something that you would let me do. I smile a little bigger when Layla wants to watch Family Feud because you were the one that got me into all the game shows. Price is Right, Pyramid, Crossword, etc.

After you physically left us I was so lucky to get support from friends from all over. One new friend send me a very sweet note (and three hearts for Layla, Mama and Me). In the note, she recalled how one of the first real conversations she and I had was about you. It was such a sweet recollection and a wonderful reminder of how much you influenced us every day. There are so many stories (big and small) about how you made our everyday better. I still can't eat keema without thinking about you and the way you would finely chop the onions and tomatoes so I couldn't see them. Or how you were always the first person I called when something big was happening or when I needed a prayer for me or for someone else I cared for.

You'd remind me that you were always praying but that you would say something a little extra. Or ask me what time the presentation was and assure you that you would pray during the entirety of it. You were this quiet force that was always around and we always knew we could count on you. All of us.

You know, we all told stories when you brought us together last month. Even though I know I'm your favorite, it was amazing to see how much we all believe that. You made each of us feel special and loved. We each had stories we could share with each other and laugh and reminisce about. We each remembered the power of prayer every day and prayed for you (and continue to do so) as you did for us every day of our lives.

We each wrote about you in ways that made us feel closer to you. That love of writing and reading that you and Nana carried is living through us now in our own unique ways. You nourished daughters who now take care of us and our kids in ways that I know we won't ever be able to pay back. They live through their sorrow of going through days without you, but show up for us and our kids more loving than even before. We all use words like rebel, strong, prayer, etc. when we think and write about you. I think we all hope that these are the words people will say about us.

Thank you for being my Nani. I can't imagine more days without you but know you are still praying for us and with us more now than ever. Layla says it best, "I miss GG. Nothing is the same without her."

Love you forever and always Nani.

To boob or not to boob

That moment when you are juggling a full time job and trying to extract as much food for your little nugget as possible. That moment when you begin to realize that you are just a few freezer bags away from living pay check to pay check with your supply. That moment. That’s the moment I hate. That’s the moment I’m living in right now.

I think being able to nurse is SUCH a blessing. Think about the quiet time you get to spend with your little one, think about the snuggles, think about his/her sweet face when he/she is stuffed to capacity, happy and sleepy, think about all the nutrition you are sharing with your wee one, think about all the money you are saving and can reapply for shoes…I mean college, college! Think about the amazing thing your body is doing for you and the health of this precious little life that the man (or Woman) upstairs chose you to take care of. Think about the fact that it’s totally acceptable for you to not wear a “real” bra and just feed your kid at the drop of a hat. Actually, it’s more like a drop of your shirt or bra flap thing…you get my point. Thinking about all those things (and many more) brings tears to my eyes when I fear my time is up.

What happens next? I get google happy, that’s what! “How to increase your supply”, “Why is my supply dwindling”, “Is my baby getting enough”, “Why isn’t my body producing”, “What am I doing wrong”, “Am I terrible?”, “Siri, hello?” “Oh wait, you aren’t siri”, “Wait what? Am I still googling…” I’m losing it. I’m losing it right? So.much.pressure. Why is there so much pressure? Do we put it on ourselves? Do we allow society to dictate how we feel and define what we should be doing, how often and when? I don’t know the answers but I know these feelings and questions keep me up at night and stress me the you know what out! And then I think…maybe THAT’S what’s happening to my supply! I’m like a little helpless hamster on this stupid squeaky wheel. All I want to do is make sure my little Roo is getting what he needs when he needs it and I feel guilty. I feel guilty because as much I love those moments and I love the benefits I also start to think…

Hmmm. I can drink coffee, like real coffee, with caffeine in it and stuff. Forget the coffee, I can sleep. Like all through the night if I wanted to. AND I can lie on my stomach while sleeping (all through the night) because my girls (that’s tata’s) won’t hurt. I can go out for a run without thinking about when to extract. I can weigh myself whenever I want (don’t act like you don’t wait to weigh yourself until after you have emptied the girls, your bladder…and let’s be honest – after a big ol’ poop). I can go to an event without having to figure out where to pump, when to pump, where to put it when it’s out and then worry the entire time if it’s cold enough to not make the nugget sick. I think all these thinks and for a moment, usually a short moment I get a little excited. I’m sure you can guess what comes next…I instantly feel guilty again.

Am I alone? Does anyone else ask themselves, “To boob or not to boob?”

Until next time…

Can I Touch Yours?

I think I've officially reached the time in my life where my weekend and vacation plans no longer revolve around bridal showers, bachelorette parties and weddings. Now, I celebrate mommas to be and BABIES. If you know me, you know I love babies. If you don't know me and are reading this, you now know that I LUB me some babies!

Now, babies are funny little nuggets because before they even get here life changes for the mommas. It's one of the most exciting and scary things in your life and yet most keep it a secret for WEEKS which often feels like a lifetime in itself. When I found out I was pregnant with our daughter I was new to my job. So, on top of not feeling so great most days I had to figure out how to put on a happy face and pretend like all was normal. Important point to note, I loved being pregnant. LOVED it!

Having said that, another part of this change was hearing how others reacted to your pregnancy and your changing body. Of recent, I have a number of friends who are pregnant and due to some comments they have shared or I have heard/ remember hearing I thought it would be fun to share a list of things to NOT say to pregnant women. This list is in no particular order of rank and is a rare even number list because...well because I love even numbers and this is my blog so I can do what I want :) Hope you enjoy!

1. "You look tired." Why, thank you. Thank you for calling that to my attention, especially, since I felt great today. I'm glad to know that you think I look tired. That's helpful. The more I think about this one, you really shouldn't say this to anybody...pregnant or not. I mean how does one make themselves not look tired? Be a part of the solution people. Just sayin.

2. "Wow! Look how pregnant you look." or "You are really showing." or my personal favorite "You look like you could explode at any second." I'm not even sure how to react to these. Or do you just not react? When I overhear anyone of these it takes everything out of me to not say, "Wow! Look how dumb and insensitive YOU look for saying that." Would that be ok? Maybe that's what we should start doing.

3. "What are you going to wear." Please, please don't ask a pregnant person this. Even as much as someone may love being pregnant, getting dressed at times is one of the hardest things to do. Things you love just don't fit the same, or fit at all. It's often hard to justify buying things that you can only wear for a limited time (aka things you wouldn't be caught dead in post baby) and your body has the potential to change every single day which makes it hard to put outfits together. My favorite answer to this question? Whatever fits. Side note to maternity clothing makers...why do you insist on making maternity clothes with horizontal stripes? Why?

Last, but certainly not least...

4. "Can I touch your belly?" To this, all I can say is - can I touch yours?

Until next time...

This is my life, and I love it.

Me: Do you want tacos or mac and cheese with chicken for dinner?
My 3 Year Old: Pizza

This pretty much sums up my life as a momma to a strong, confident and outspoken 3 year old. I remember the day we found out that she was a girl. I prayed in that instance that she would be born with a little bit of sass. Just sass folks. Not to be confused with attitude or rudeness. Why sass? The world we live in is a bit scary. I wanted her to have just enough sass to stand up for herself and not taken any do-do (we don't swear) from anyone. I wanted her to be confident in who she was and what she wanted. As always (and thankfully), my prayers were answered.

Sass she has!

Last night, when I posed the dinner question, she answered with such affirmation that for a second - just a second - I was like ok, you can have pizza. Then I remembered two things:
1. That wasn't an option
2. We didn't have any

That's exactly the kind of sass I had asked for. She wasn't rude. She didn't have an attitude. She just communicated what she wanted. Once I explained that wasn't an option and she needed to try again...she said pizza one more time. Just to try. Then decided on mac and cheese with chicken. She shows us signs of this sass regularly. Sometimes she catches us off guard. Let's be real, most times she catches us off guard and that sweet little voice doesn't help. My husband and I often look at each other with the, "did she just say that?" look.

She keeps us on our toes and challenges us daily, and I love it!

Peace, love and soul train...

Home

The past few months have been filled with cardboard boxes, tape guns and movers. With each move, I've learned some important lessons. Move number 1 and it's aftermath reminded me that everything really does happen for a reason. There is always a plan and sometimes, no matter how much you enjoy planning, the actual plan isn't the one you created so meticulously. I also learned what it was like to move with a new baby. Those babies. They have a wonderfully amazing way of changing your whole entire life. My baby rocks.my.world! It's like they are born and you are a forever changed person. Anyway, back to moving. For the sake of my sanity move number 1 very quickly led to move number 2.

Back home. Like to my parents home. With my husband, baby AND dog. Move number 2 was wonderful. I've always appreciated my family, but this particular instance reminded me once again how lucky I am to have the kind of parents I do. Hopefully I can pay it forward to my daughter. She rocks my world. Did I say that already? My husband is also pretty wonderful. I'm sure "living with my in-laws" wasn't on his bucket list, but he was a champ. We are already a close family but those few weeks really made us bond in a totally different way. We were soon ready for move 3.

Back home. My first home. I still remember how proud I was of myself for purchasing my first home, by myself, right after college. I felt so independent and in control of my future. A few years went by, I got married and the housing market got very sick. Womp Womp! I still loved my first home and realized it would be around for a while. Lucky for us, it was around. My precious family settled right in to my once bachelorette pad :). Being my first home, it was much smaller than where we had been. It was the perfect house for me in my single days but now with a family, we were a wee bit crammed. Thankful, but crammed. Move number 3 was critical however. I guarantee I'll continue to look back to our time here and have nothing but appreciation for it. It made me realize that a house is just a physical structure. What you fill it with (memories-- not things) is what's most important.

Home sweet home! Move 4 led to "our" first home. Enough said. Appreciate every move, every box, every broken item :). Home is where the heart is.

Until next time, peace, love and soul train.

Promise

I miss writing. I'm making a simple promise to myself. I promise to write more this year.

Until next time,

P

Sniff Sniff

I was out this morning walking my precious Pepperscroni Alowishus Parker and I could tell that he desperately needed to use the bathroom. He ran around from one end of the grass to the other and he was sniffing so hard that I could hear him even though he wasn't close. I watched him frantically search for the perfect spot and I started to wonder what exactly he was looking....or smelling for.

I asked my friend who knows everything about animals...but she didn't know the answer to this. (Thanks for nothing TINA!! :)) I continued to ask people all day long and after I got a puzzled look from them, they too admitted that they didn't know.

My next step, Google of course. I got no answers there either. However, I did find that I'm not only one that has wondered about this. A lot of people posted their opinions on why dogs did this but no concrete answers.

For those of you who know me, you know very well that I love using the bathroom. I can't imagine having to run around and find the right place. I guess it's like when we (humans) have to go really bad and there is no bathroom in sight. Can you imagine feeling like that regularly? I would go crazy. I love my little Pepper and I wish I could make his bathroom experience easier for him. He doesn't seem to mind the search, but on mornings like today, when he is so eager to go, I wish there was something I could to do help.

Here I am hours later still answer less. I suppose I'll be making a trip to the library.

Stay tuned....